The Most Ineffective Words in Any Relationship

You
Need
To  __________

That's it.  Shortest blog posting ever.  You may stop reading now.

No matter the tone of voice, no matter the constructive or destructive intent, no matter your passion about the person or action, there is no need to even fill in the blank, because your audience of any age or size or relationship, has already turned off their hearing.  They have stopped listening.

What makes these words so ineffective and disdainful is that they were probably the first words uttered after the Fall.  Eve took a bite of that juicy apple.  She handed it to Adam, "You need to eat it too." And then, suddenly the thought occurred to her, "God, You need to..." as if she was suddenly in charge.

Even Jesus did not tell people what to do, what to believe, and how to believe it. Scripture reveals that the crowds and the leaders were "amazed" by how He pointed others to the Truth  just by asking questions.  "And who do you say that I am?" Throughout His ministry, He asked, "And what do you think?"

The Bible says for us to "Train up our children in the way they should go..."  Nowhere does the Bible commend being a tyrant.  The problem with telling children what to do is that they lose the ability to think through and discern what to do.  They have no ownership in doing what is right.  Teach them to think it through. Guide them in it. "What do you think would be the best decision?"  Because, as my mom used to say to me, "I won't always be there to help you."

Put a thought on their radar. "Have you considered...?"  It teaches them to think, provides a different perspective, and allows them to take ownership of the decision.

There is one guarantee:  your kids will mess up, your spouse will mess up, and so do we.  We often see imperfections in others because we are desperately trying to cover up our own.

I can't tell them what to do, but I can tell them what worked for me. 

As I advised a friend just a few weeks ago, "You get one bullet.  Make it a good one."  You get one opportunity to offer encouraging advice. And then, no re-runs or nagging.

What should I say, LORD?  Or should I say anything at all?  Covered absolutely in prayer first, saturated always in grace.

Quick to listen,
    slow to speak,
 slow to anger...

                                     James 1.19