Your assignment this weekend is to call home. I can hear the roar of protest across the internet even as I type those words. “You just don’t understand what kind of relationship I have with my Mom.” “You have no idea what he said to me,” or how he looked at me the last time we were together. “I haven’t spoken to my father in 20 years,” a woman in Florida recently said to my brother. And she lives just one mile away from her dad.
Family life can be messy. God knows that. Just read the Scriptures and you can see how messy relationships can be. But God also knows that the most basic of all relationships is that with your parents. No matter what they have done, no matter what words have separated you, no matter their flaws, she is still your mom and he is still your dad. God also knows that good relationships are not based on a “parental lottery” of sorts, but firmly rooted in love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is not about condoning an action or ignoring it, but letting it go, releasing its power and hold over you.
Good relationships are not smooth ones, just bathed in forgiveness.
In the Scripture, God commands – yes, commands – “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the LORD your God gives you.” Exodus 20.12. It is, believe it or not, one of the long-ignored Ten Commandments. Why exactly would that be so important? Because God knows your relationship with your parents – or lack thereof – will not just affect your relationship with them, but every relationship for the rest of your life – with everyone around you as well as with your children and grandchildren, for generations. I see it every day. Anger, resentment, coldness, retaliation. Sadly, the wedge in those relationships almost always starts with something stupid – a misunderstanding, a mistake, a harsh word, a hurt feeling. It builds and accumulates into what seems insurmountable. And it hides behind the excuse, “well, SHE needs to apologize to me first.” Or “it was HIS fault, not mine.”
This winter I have been reading a book about the relationship of parents with their adult children. The author quotes a study involving mothers and children over the course of almost 50 years. The research reveals that those mothers with close relationships with their adult children have significantly better mental health, a lack of depression, a stronger sense of confidence, and satisfaction in life across the board. It has a profound effect on both parent and child.
Last year at this time, God provided me the opportunity to spend a few weeks with my dad as he lay in hospice. I never felt like I had a close relationship with him, it was never like I wanted, never like the relationship I saw other women had with their dads. But in the course of those weeks together, even when Dad could no longer communicate, God changed things. I learned about forgiveness and grace. My dad had some redeeming qualities, but he also had some glaring flaws. And so do I. Grace is not what we deserve, but it is what we need most of all.
My dad has been gone now almost a year, my mom for seven years, and what I wouldn’t give to be able to just pick up a phone.
Call home today, even for “no good reason,” maybe especially for “no good reason.” It will change your life. And theirs.
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